In the immediate aftermath of being spontaneously dumped, I was worried about being a cliche, having allowed myself to fall for a married man with the inevitable consequence that I am heartbroken because he ultimately chooses not to leave his wife. A good and wise male friend of mine suggested I should look at the situation differently: I happened to fall in love with someone who was married (though technically separated - that is important), and for whom I was willing to undertake muchissimo baggage in order to have a life with him. It's interesting that the same situation can elicit such different perspectives... This same friend did point out, however, that I would be a cliche if I allowed his behaviour to make me crumble and destroy everything I had worked so hard for.
I am certainly dangerously close to cliche territory.
I am trying really hard to focus on all the wonderful things in my life in London but he still pervades my thoughts almost incessantly. Each morning I still wake thinking that perhaps it has been a horrible nightmare but then the harsh reality hits. He has gone; he is not coming back and he doesn't care.
Today I spent hours walking around in London, just trying to clear my head. I am beginning to annoy myself with what feels like self-indulgent self-pity. But I found that everywhere I went there were memories of him - from walking past restaurants we loved to walking through the park where we used to run together to seeing the stupid Boris bikes that he was so happy I signed us up for.
Even in my apartment there are constant reminders of him; a huge photo that he bought for me of the largest sea stack off the coast of Great Britain depicts the sea stack with the sea raging wildly around it. He always used to to say that he was my rock and I was the crazy tempestuous sea. But after his sudden disappearance, and no contact at all in 4 weeks now, I don't really know what to think. What do you do when someone behaves so out of character that they are almost unrecognisable? Do you assume that something so dreadful has happened to them that they are literally having a meltdown, and therefore deserve your compassion, or do you have to accept ultimately that you made a terrible mistake and were totally wrong about someone you have known for seven years? I don't know the answer to this.
I do know that no matter how much I try to drag myself up by the britches and force myself to be strong, sometimes the loneliness is still so crippling and the pain and hurt so acute and raw that I just want to pick up the phone and scream at him, demanding answers. Somehow, however, I don't think this would help, so I don't. As I keep telling myself, you can't force these things.
So I guess you just have to keep on keeping on and hope that time really is a great healer. All I can say is that right now there are definitely good days and bad days. Today was definitively a bad day.
At least I have made one decision, in relation to my career. In this regard I can make a choice for a fresh start and a new beginning so I have decided to throw all my cards up in the air and quit my job. The plan then is to do some volunteer work - maybe in London - and potentially some travel - who knows? Fingers crossed please that I do not find myself turned into that cliche........ :-D
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