Sorry I have been rather incommunicado the last month or so - it was a whirlwind of travel and emotional chaos...!
Following up on my last post, I did indeed meet my ex for a drink the next evening. I was very tempted to head home to bed after football but the ex actually begged - yes begged - me to come to meet him!
I have to admit that it was really nice to see him. It was a comfortable feeling in that he was very familiar but yet I was able to keep him at a distance. We talked about what was going on in our lives, how things had moved on etc and it was all very civilised. I was feeling very proud of myself and felt I had proved that ultimately, after heartache, we do move on, no matter how dreadful it may seem at the time.
The minor flaw to my argument appeared when we went outside for a cigarette and was going to take a taxi home...he asked me if I would stay the night....for old time's sake...
I know that logically I should have said no - emotionally this could have sent me spirally into even deeper depression. However, it was freezing cold and he was lovely and comforting and warm, and I was feeling desperately lonely - so I said YES.
And it was wonderful. Some people may say he was using me which is possible but I was also using him - to make myself feel better. Admitting to that is not something I am particularly proud of, and I certainly do not advocate sleeping with a guy to boost one's self-esteem. However, having felt so low for the last couple of months, I think I would have done almost anything (legal!) to pick myself back up again...
And you know something - it worked!
Strangely, however, I suspect the reason it worked was because he was so attentive and keen. And I believe the reason he was so attentive and keen was because I had been so indifferent. When he left the following morning for his meeting, he said he wondered if we had made the right decision splitting a couple of years ago... I realised that I didn't even want to have that discussion. We had spent a wonderful night together which had been great. We had both enjoyed it and we were both adults but there was no need to turn it into something more complicated that would be in need of analysis. I was able to walk away feeling empowered and full of life which was more than I had felt in the preceding eight weeks...
It probably didn't hurt either that my recent ex-boyfriend hated the ex-ex boyfriend with whom I had just spent the night - who said that revenge couldn't be sweet?!
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