The dreadful weather in London and my frozen heart drove me to seek warmer climes pre-Christmas so I fled to see my brother in Dubai...
Had a truly wonderful time - it's amazing what a difference a change of scenery can make, and actually going out and having fun, and putting all the dreadful things to one side. I think I am gradually doing better at dealing with the pain of my recent relationship breakup although I am concerned that I am just suffocating it and perhaps not really acknowledging it...?
Spending time with my brother was awesome although in many ways his life is even more complicated than mine. This got me thinking about whether the status quo that we all accept as the norm in current society is actually an antiquated ideal. In a world where so many people are travelling more than they ever did, living overseas and encountering so many different people, and living longer than ever before, is it unrealistic to expect people to commit to a relationship with one person for life and remain loyal to that person? Surely in an ever expanding world, we cannot continue to believe that there is one person out there who is meant for us, one soulmate? Is that not a theory that was suitable for the world of preceding generations when people's lives tended to be narrower and consisted of a smaller group of people?
Whilst in Dubai I found myself thinking that men are really like buses - just as one fades into the distance, another one seems to appear on the horizon...
Wednesday, 5 January 2011
Catching the curveballs....
Sorry I have been rather incommunicado the last month or so - it was a whirlwind of travel and emotional chaos...!
Following up on my last post, I did indeed meet my ex for a drink the next evening. I was very tempted to head home to bed after football but the ex actually begged - yes begged - me to come to meet him!
I have to admit that it was really nice to see him. It was a comfortable feeling in that he was very familiar but yet I was able to keep him at a distance. We talked about what was going on in our lives, how things had moved on etc and it was all very civilised. I was feeling very proud of myself and felt I had proved that ultimately, after heartache, we do move on, no matter how dreadful it may seem at the time.
The minor flaw to my argument appeared when we went outside for a cigarette and was going to take a taxi home...he asked me if I would stay the night....for old time's sake...
I know that logically I should have said no - emotionally this could have sent me spirally into even deeper depression. However, it was freezing cold and he was lovely and comforting and warm, and I was feeling desperately lonely - so I said YES.
And it was wonderful. Some people may say he was using me which is possible but I was also using him - to make myself feel better. Admitting to that is not something I am particularly proud of, and I certainly do not advocate sleeping with a guy to boost one's self-esteem. However, having felt so low for the last couple of months, I think I would have done almost anything (legal!) to pick myself back up again...
And you know something - it worked!
Strangely, however, I suspect the reason it worked was because he was so attentive and keen. And I believe the reason he was so attentive and keen was because I had been so indifferent. When he left the following morning for his meeting, he said he wondered if we had made the right decision splitting a couple of years ago... I realised that I didn't even want to have that discussion. We had spent a wonderful night together which had been great. We had both enjoyed it and we were both adults but there was no need to turn it into something more complicated that would be in need of analysis. I was able to walk away feeling empowered and full of life which was more than I had felt in the preceding eight weeks...
It probably didn't hurt either that my recent ex-boyfriend hated the ex-ex boyfriend with whom I had just spent the night - who said that revenge couldn't be sweet?!
Following up on my last post, I did indeed meet my ex for a drink the next evening. I was very tempted to head home to bed after football but the ex actually begged - yes begged - me to come to meet him!
I have to admit that it was really nice to see him. It was a comfortable feeling in that he was very familiar but yet I was able to keep him at a distance. We talked about what was going on in our lives, how things had moved on etc and it was all very civilised. I was feeling very proud of myself and felt I had proved that ultimately, after heartache, we do move on, no matter how dreadful it may seem at the time.
The minor flaw to my argument appeared when we went outside for a cigarette and was going to take a taxi home...he asked me if I would stay the night....for old time's sake...
I know that logically I should have said no - emotionally this could have sent me spirally into even deeper depression. However, it was freezing cold and he was lovely and comforting and warm, and I was feeling desperately lonely - so I said YES.
And it was wonderful. Some people may say he was using me which is possible but I was also using him - to make myself feel better. Admitting to that is not something I am particularly proud of, and I certainly do not advocate sleeping with a guy to boost one's self-esteem. However, having felt so low for the last couple of months, I think I would have done almost anything (legal!) to pick myself back up again...
And you know something - it worked!
Strangely, however, I suspect the reason it worked was because he was so attentive and keen. And I believe the reason he was so attentive and keen was because I had been so indifferent. When he left the following morning for his meeting, he said he wondered if we had made the right decision splitting a couple of years ago... I realised that I didn't even want to have that discussion. We had spent a wonderful night together which had been great. We had both enjoyed it and we were both adults but there was no need to turn it into something more complicated that would be in need of analysis. I was able to walk away feeling empowered and full of life which was more than I had felt in the preceding eight weeks...
It probably didn't hurt either that my recent ex-boyfriend hated the ex-ex boyfriend with whom I had just spent the night - who said that revenge couldn't be sweet?!
Monday, 22 November 2010
How many curveballs can there be?
Just as you think that life can't get any more ridiculous, life hurls a new curveball in your direction.
Having spent another day spending time with myself and trying to get myself back on track - planning some travelling during my "gardening leave" and trying to figure out what I actually want from life, and how I can be satisfied just being me - solo, at 6:30pm an email pops onto my blackberry from an ex that I had written out of my life two years ago.
Turns out that he is in London on business and would like to meet for a drink / dinner tomorrow night. Having firmly assigned him to the trash folder of my emotional inbox, I considered just deleting the mail. However, given what is going on in my life I thought maybe it would be a boost to my ego to meet him and feel empowered through the knowledge that I did not have feelings for him any longer; proof to myself in fact that it is possible to get through heartache no matter how bad it may seem at the time.
In the interests of my newfound philosophy of doing what is right for me and allowing other people to fit in with that if it suits them, I told him that I am having dinner and watching footballs with friends tomorrow eve but could perhaps meet him for a drink beforehand or afterwards if that suited. His response was, and I quote: "I hate your indifference". When I responded that I didn't know what he meant, he said: "You are indifferent and it makes me nuts". This got me thinking back to when we were together; I would have given anything (a) to have been able to cultivate something that even looked like indifference in relation to this man, and (b) for him to have admitted to being nuts about anything that I did. It is strange how men do seem to respond very positively to women playing hard to get - not that I was doing that (I have simply moved on at this stage and am genuinely not interested - my heart is somewhere else).
It did get me thinking, however, that even as I try to remember the feelings I had for this man, which seemed so so strong at the time, it was hard to summon the passion and extremes that I had thought I was feeling at the time, and indeed the depths of the pain that I know I experienced in the aftermath of that relationship. But yet here I was, totally indifferent to whether I saw him or not....while I know there was a time that I counted the days until he came to London again....
It begs the question of whether we, women, are forever stuck in this quandry? Is it only now that I don't really care that I can truly be indifferent and as a consequence he is therefore interested?
As a woman who gives 100% to a relationship, how can I ever seem indifferent if I am willing to give everything to a person? Or is that a problem in itself? Is this the mistake I have been making? Perhaps the secret to a successful relationship is to always keep a little bit of ourselves back so that we do not give ourselves wholly to another person? In that way, if it all falls apart, it is not so hard to put the pieces of ourselves back together and remember who we were before a particular relationship, and then we are never totally dependent on a relationship or another person?
Having spent another day spending time with myself and trying to get myself back on track - planning some travelling during my "gardening leave" and trying to figure out what I actually want from life, and how I can be satisfied just being me - solo, at 6:30pm an email pops onto my blackberry from an ex that I had written out of my life two years ago.
Turns out that he is in London on business and would like to meet for a drink / dinner tomorrow night. Having firmly assigned him to the trash folder of my emotional inbox, I considered just deleting the mail. However, given what is going on in my life I thought maybe it would be a boost to my ego to meet him and feel empowered through the knowledge that I did not have feelings for him any longer; proof to myself in fact that it is possible to get through heartache no matter how bad it may seem at the time.
In the interests of my newfound philosophy of doing what is right for me and allowing other people to fit in with that if it suits them, I told him that I am having dinner and watching footballs with friends tomorrow eve but could perhaps meet him for a drink beforehand or afterwards if that suited. His response was, and I quote: "I hate your indifference". When I responded that I didn't know what he meant, he said: "You are indifferent and it makes me nuts". This got me thinking back to when we were together; I would have given anything (a) to have been able to cultivate something that even looked like indifference in relation to this man, and (b) for him to have admitted to being nuts about anything that I did. It is strange how men do seem to respond very positively to women playing hard to get - not that I was doing that (I have simply moved on at this stage and am genuinely not interested - my heart is somewhere else).
It did get me thinking, however, that even as I try to remember the feelings I had for this man, which seemed so so strong at the time, it was hard to summon the passion and extremes that I had thought I was feeling at the time, and indeed the depths of the pain that I know I experienced in the aftermath of that relationship. But yet here I was, totally indifferent to whether I saw him or not....while I know there was a time that I counted the days until he came to London again....
It begs the question of whether we, women, are forever stuck in this quandry? Is it only now that I don't really care that I can truly be indifferent and as a consequence he is therefore interested?
As a woman who gives 100% to a relationship, how can I ever seem indifferent if I am willing to give everything to a person? Or is that a problem in itself? Is this the mistake I have been making? Perhaps the secret to a successful relationship is to always keep a little bit of ourselves back so that we do not give ourselves wholly to another person? In that way, if it all falls apart, it is not so hard to put the pieces of ourselves back together and remember who we were before a particular relationship, and then we are never totally dependent on a relationship or another person?
Thursday, 18 November 2010
To dump or be dumped....is that a question?
Having been on both sides of this ubiquitous fence, I am trying to figure out which is worse. In the process of finishing my marriage several years ago, I was the person actively trying to draw things to a close. While this was a devastatingly painful process, I was, to a large extent, the person driving the process and I knew that it was the right thing to do for me to walk away. The painful part was that I hated hurting another person for whom I still cared very deeply.
This time, I am the dumpee, and I must say that it feels infinitely more painful and hurtful. The decision has been seized from me. Even in the days leading up to the ultimately final conversation, when I felt he was becoming more distant, and I contemplated "getting in first", I chose not to. Clearly, I was still clinging to the faint though dwindling hope that we would survive against all the odds.
So is the pain of a relationship ending in some way a function of having control wrest from you?
If you make the decision to finish a relationship, does that make it easier, or harder, or just different? Or if the pain is greater this time, does it mean that I simply love(d) this person more? Unfortunately, I don't seem to have found the answers to any questions. Every day just seems to throw up additional questions....without answers.......
This time, I am the dumpee, and I must say that it feels infinitely more painful and hurtful. The decision has been seized from me. Even in the days leading up to the ultimately final conversation, when I felt he was becoming more distant, and I contemplated "getting in first", I chose not to. Clearly, I was still clinging to the faint though dwindling hope that we would survive against all the odds.
So is the pain of a relationship ending in some way a function of having control wrest from you?
If you make the decision to finish a relationship, does that make it easier, or harder, or just different? Or if the pain is greater this time, does it mean that I simply love(d) this person more? Unfortunately, I don't seem to have found the answers to any questions. Every day just seems to throw up additional questions....without answers.......
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
The cliches of the relationship wasteground.....
In the immediate aftermath of being spontaneously dumped, I was worried about being a cliche, having allowed myself to fall for a married man with the inevitable consequence that I am heartbroken because he ultimately chooses not to leave his wife. A good and wise male friend of mine suggested I should look at the situation differently: I happened to fall in love with someone who was married (though technically separated - that is important), and for whom I was willing to undertake muchissimo baggage in order to have a life with him. It's interesting that the same situation can elicit such different perspectives... This same friend did point out, however, that I would be a cliche if I allowed his behaviour to make me crumble and destroy everything I had worked so hard for.
I am certainly dangerously close to cliche territory.
I am trying really hard to focus on all the wonderful things in my life in London but he still pervades my thoughts almost incessantly. Each morning I still wake thinking that perhaps it has been a horrible nightmare but then the harsh reality hits. He has gone; he is not coming back and he doesn't care.
Today I spent hours walking around in London, just trying to clear my head. I am beginning to annoy myself with what feels like self-indulgent self-pity. But I found that everywhere I went there were memories of him - from walking past restaurants we loved to walking through the park where we used to run together to seeing the stupid Boris bikes that he was so happy I signed us up for.
Even in my apartment there are constant reminders of him; a huge photo that he bought for me of the largest sea stack off the coast of Great Britain depicts the sea stack with the sea raging wildly around it. He always used to to say that he was my rock and I was the crazy tempestuous sea. But after his sudden disappearance, and no contact at all in 4 weeks now, I don't really know what to think. What do you do when someone behaves so out of character that they are almost unrecognisable? Do you assume that something so dreadful has happened to them that they are literally having a meltdown, and therefore deserve your compassion, or do you have to accept ultimately that you made a terrible mistake and were totally wrong about someone you have known for seven years? I don't know the answer to this.
I do know that no matter how much I try to drag myself up by the britches and force myself to be strong, sometimes the loneliness is still so crippling and the pain and hurt so acute and raw that I just want to pick up the phone and scream at him, demanding answers. Somehow, however, I don't think this would help, so I don't. As I keep telling myself, you can't force these things.
So I guess you just have to keep on keeping on and hope that time really is a great healer. All I can say is that right now there are definitely good days and bad days. Today was definitively a bad day.
At least I have made one decision, in relation to my career. In this regard I can make a choice for a fresh start and a new beginning so I have decided to throw all my cards up in the air and quit my job. The plan then is to do some volunteer work - maybe in London - and potentially some travel - who knows? Fingers crossed please that I do not find myself turned into that cliche........ :-D
I am certainly dangerously close to cliche territory.
I am trying really hard to focus on all the wonderful things in my life in London but he still pervades my thoughts almost incessantly. Each morning I still wake thinking that perhaps it has been a horrible nightmare but then the harsh reality hits. He has gone; he is not coming back and he doesn't care.
Today I spent hours walking around in London, just trying to clear my head. I am beginning to annoy myself with what feels like self-indulgent self-pity. But I found that everywhere I went there were memories of him - from walking past restaurants we loved to walking through the park where we used to run together to seeing the stupid Boris bikes that he was so happy I signed us up for.
Even in my apartment there are constant reminders of him; a huge photo that he bought for me of the largest sea stack off the coast of Great Britain depicts the sea stack with the sea raging wildly around it. He always used to to say that he was my rock and I was the crazy tempestuous sea. But after his sudden disappearance, and no contact at all in 4 weeks now, I don't really know what to think. What do you do when someone behaves so out of character that they are almost unrecognisable? Do you assume that something so dreadful has happened to them that they are literally having a meltdown, and therefore deserve your compassion, or do you have to accept ultimately that you made a terrible mistake and were totally wrong about someone you have known for seven years? I don't know the answer to this.
I do know that no matter how much I try to drag myself up by the britches and force myself to be strong, sometimes the loneliness is still so crippling and the pain and hurt so acute and raw that I just want to pick up the phone and scream at him, demanding answers. Somehow, however, I don't think this would help, so I don't. As I keep telling myself, you can't force these things.
So I guess you just have to keep on keeping on and hope that time really is a great healer. All I can say is that right now there are definitely good days and bad days. Today was definitively a bad day.
At least I have made one decision, in relation to my career. In this regard I can make a choice for a fresh start and a new beginning so I have decided to throw all my cards up in the air and quit my job. The plan then is to do some volunteer work - maybe in London - and potentially some travel - who knows? Fingers crossed please that I do not find myself turned into that cliche........ :-D
Monday, 15 November 2010
Psychic solace....?
In an attempt to find some peace, or at least be able to get some sleep and feel vaguely sane about what is going on in my life, I decided to get some spiritual guidance from some psychic friends. The problem is that I am a bit worried that I am becoming addicted to hearing readings of what will / may happen in my life.
However, I feel this is the only way I can really cope right now, and if it helps, and is not harming anybody, where is the problem?
I have found the readers of Michele Knight to be absolutely wonderful - so supportive and caring. Furthermore, the messages from a variety of the readers have been remarkably consistent. Now, however, I am frightened of how let down I might feel if things do not transpire as I expect / want them to...
It has also made me think that despite our free will to choose our own destiny within the parameters of the hand we have been given from the house of cards that is life, there is, on some level, a sense of the universe sweeping us along at times and forcing us to go through tests and initiations that ultimately hopefully make us stronger as individuals and better equipped to deal with the challenges of life.
However, I feel this is the only way I can really cope right now, and if it helps, and is not harming anybody, where is the problem?
I have found the readers of Michele Knight to be absolutely wonderful - so supportive and caring. Furthermore, the messages from a variety of the readers have been remarkably consistent. Now, however, I am frightened of how let down I might feel if things do not transpire as I expect / want them to...
It has also made me think that despite our free will to choose our own destiny within the parameters of the hand we have been given from the house of cards that is life, there is, on some level, a sense of the universe sweeping us along at times and forcing us to go through tests and initiations that ultimately hopefully make us stronger as individuals and better equipped to deal with the challenges of life.
Love......the Holy Grail?
I've been giving the whole "love debate" thing a lot of thought recently, as you'll be able to see from some of my recent posts...
Having recently come out of a relationship that I thought was deeply loving with the person I wanted to spend my life with as a partner, the shock and sudden absence of this person and the emotional support and companionship of the relationship has forced me to stare at myself hard in the mirror and assess what I need to do in order to be satisfied with life on my own and whether, indeed, that is actually possible. I don't think I have an answer yet - I suspect it may take some time.............
I am a successful professional woman, financially independent but emotionally numb right now. So I am focusing on my career, and my relationship with my self. I read a comment by Tamara Mellon recently in which she said:
"Make your money and buy your freedom. I would love to inspire women to take responsibility for themselves, not to be dependent on men. Because then you can be truly happy and successful".
An admirable theory indeed but harder to execute in practice in my opinion. Of course, I understand the desire to succeed professionally and financially - I definitely subscribe to this club. But I keep coming back to the question of whether it is enough. Having a relationship with ourselves is wonderful but doesn't the search for love and for a partner ultimately make life more bearable? Can anyone ever honestly be "truly happy" without companionship and love? And if we give up on finding someone to love and who will love us warts and all, what are we really here for?
Some of the greatest writers of all time buy into the concept that love is the ultimate goal in life:
"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves...." (Victor Hugo)
"Love is not a matter of what happens in life. It's a matter of what's happening in your heart" (Ken Keynes)
"Love is a butterfly, which, when pursued is just beyond your grasp, but if you will sit down quietly it may alight upon you...." (Nathaniel Hawthorne)
I do believe that the desire for love and to be loved and the constant quest and seeking of it helps to give us a purpose in life. The possibility that it might be just around the corner tantalises us, and enables us to reboot our emotional systems even when they seem to have suffered fatal errors.
Maybe the desire for fulfilment is so great that the anticipation ensures that the reality will never live up to the ideal. When we put any relationship under so much scrutiny and pressure to succeed, are we ultimately setting it up to fail because nothing can ever be perfect in this world? We try to force ourselves, our relationships, our careers, even our appearances into preconceived shapes and concepts of what they should all be.
What would happen if we just took everything a little less seriously? Would we have more chance of achieving our goals if we relaxed and allowed ourselves space for difference, thoughtlessness and compromise?
In order to achieve a truly great and sustainable love, whether that be with a partner, with ourselves, with our careers or with friends, must we in fact accept the restrictions and limitations of reality, and the fact that elements of the reality we yearn for may be unattainable.
Maybe it is time to accept that affixing all our desires and wishes so firmly to a particular ideal will always let us down. Perhaps another person, a career, or a friend will never be able to truly free us from loneliness if we remain spiritually starved deep within ourselves?
Having recently come out of a relationship that I thought was deeply loving with the person I wanted to spend my life with as a partner, the shock and sudden absence of this person and the emotional support and companionship of the relationship has forced me to stare at myself hard in the mirror and assess what I need to do in order to be satisfied with life on my own and whether, indeed, that is actually possible. I don't think I have an answer yet - I suspect it may take some time.............
I am a successful professional woman, financially independent but emotionally numb right now. So I am focusing on my career, and my relationship with my self. I read a comment by Tamara Mellon recently in which she said:
"Make your money and buy your freedom. I would love to inspire women to take responsibility for themselves, not to be dependent on men. Because then you can be truly happy and successful".
An admirable theory indeed but harder to execute in practice in my opinion. Of course, I understand the desire to succeed professionally and financially - I definitely subscribe to this club. But I keep coming back to the question of whether it is enough. Having a relationship with ourselves is wonderful but doesn't the search for love and for a partner ultimately make life more bearable? Can anyone ever honestly be "truly happy" without companionship and love? And if we give up on finding someone to love and who will love us warts and all, what are we really here for?
Some of the greatest writers of all time buy into the concept that love is the ultimate goal in life:
"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves...." (Victor Hugo)
"Love is not a matter of what happens in life. It's a matter of what's happening in your heart" (Ken Keynes)
"Love is a butterfly, which, when pursued is just beyond your grasp, but if you will sit down quietly it may alight upon you...." (Nathaniel Hawthorne)
I do believe that the desire for love and to be loved and the constant quest and seeking of it helps to give us a purpose in life. The possibility that it might be just around the corner tantalises us, and enables us to reboot our emotional systems even when they seem to have suffered fatal errors.
Maybe the desire for fulfilment is so great that the anticipation ensures that the reality will never live up to the ideal. When we put any relationship under so much scrutiny and pressure to succeed, are we ultimately setting it up to fail because nothing can ever be perfect in this world? We try to force ourselves, our relationships, our careers, even our appearances into preconceived shapes and concepts of what they should all be.
What would happen if we just took everything a little less seriously? Would we have more chance of achieving our goals if we relaxed and allowed ourselves space for difference, thoughtlessness and compromise?
In order to achieve a truly great and sustainable love, whether that be with a partner, with ourselves, with our careers or with friends, must we in fact accept the restrictions and limitations of reality, and the fact that elements of the reality we yearn for may be unattainable.
Maybe it is time to accept that affixing all our desires and wishes so firmly to a particular ideal will always let us down. Perhaps another person, a career, or a friend will never be able to truly free us from loneliness if we remain spiritually starved deep within ourselves?
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